Which attitude prevailed in you in the past few weeks? I have gone back and forth, up and down, and in and out with my attitude throughout this period. At the beginning I was feeling happy that I had my kids home because they live six hours away at the university. I was also enjoying sitting in my patio and enjoying my garden and having time to read. I always have something to do that takes me out of my house, and now I was home all day, every day. For me that was not a burden but a blessing.

But that joy slipped into guilt. Guilt that I was enjoying a time when there was so much suffering and fear. Guilt that I wasn’t suffering nor full of fear. Guilt that there was nothing I could do. I still enjoyed the time with my family and in my garden, but there was a looming sadness I couldn’t shake. At the same time, I found myself feeling very needy of attention, of an embrace, of feeling loved. It’s not that my family doesn’t love me, but somehow, that was not enough. I was blaming myself for being so demanding and not being happy with all the beauty that was surrounding me.

I started really trying to follow by working on SoC, reading Carron's article several times, praying the Angelus/Regina Coeli in the morning with my husband, at 11:55 with friends and students, and in the evening before dinner with my family. I watched the video on the Stations of the Cross and then did a Zoom version with a group of friends. Yet, there was still sadness and a wish that I wasn’t so needy and so weak. I started to understand myself a little better and even felt like I was more myself than ever before because of it. With more alone time, and more thinking time, I was more aware than ever before of this deep need that I have to be loved, to be embraced.

At the same time, I was seeing how other people were living this period and wondering, “Why can’t I live it like them?” But the truth is that I don’t know what those other people are really living. The truth is that during that period, although there was a sadness in me, I felt that there was also something beautiful happening.

In the last couple of weeks, I have gotten a bit lazy with my prayers and with the work of SoC. I notice too that I am not as sad as I was before. I don’t feel so weak and needy of an embrace. Yet, a friend asked me the other day how I was doing and I answered, “Good,” and then I had to pause. I then continued, “I answered good right away, because I am, but there is something inside me saying, ‘No, I am not.'" It made me stop. That little seemingly insignificant exchange of words made me realize that although I am not sad, I am also not seeing nor living the beauty that I had been. I am ok, but I’m not. It’s a weird sense of "blah." So now what? Either I live feeling weak and needy and seeing beauty or I live feeling stronger and better but feeling "blah" inside.

Last night I had a GS Responsibles Zoom call and I had planned on skipping it because I was tired and it would mean that I would have to leave the table early to attend it. In the end, I joined in because I thought to myself, if I am searching for more, and I believe that my answers lie in Him, then how can I say no when He is calling? I’m glad I joined the call. It’s not like I found this joy that surpassed everything, but I do know that that is the path to find the answers to my never-ending questions. Even writing this has helped me see that I am on a path and that I prefer to need Him than to feel "blah."

What saves me from nothingness? I really don’t know the answer. I think it looks like my Community. My Community helps me to better understand myself and myself in relation to Christ. We had a Diaconia the other day in which someone mentioned his awareness of his weakness and his need for an embrace. I was very moved because I totally understood his need.

Then I started to think, maybe it’s not just me. Maybe it’s not a fault of mine, but a reality of man. Maybe I needed to be reminded of my weakness, of my nothingness to make me realize my need for Him. So I guess my answer to the question of “What saves me from nothingness?” is Him who comes to me through those people in my life who are walking with me. I need to continue to say "Yes." Maybe that’s the right answer. What saves me from nothingness is my "Yes."


Miriam, Miami, Florida